Project Plan
by incandescens
Summary: Shunsui and Rangiku, office efficiency, and a whole lot of alcohol.


**Project Plan**

**CUNNING**** PLAN ****TO**** FIND ****OUT ****WHAT**** SORT ****OF**** ALCOHOL ****MY ****NANAO-CHAN ****LIKES**

Set out as Project Plan because Rangiku-chan saw one at the Shinigami Women's Association and says they're nifty.

**Goals: **To persuade Nanao-chan that drinking is a good thing, by finding a type of alcohol that she likes.

_That__ is __such __a __neat __idea, __Kyouraku-taichou!_

**Methodology:** Give my beautiful Nanao-chan alcohol of many different sorts on different occasions and examine the reactions.

Rangiku-chan, please stop asking Nemu-chan leading questions about how experiments work and how you'd do them on vice-captains and captains, I think she's got the wrong idea – I saw her stalking Toushirou-kun with a collar and lead earlier today.

**Requirements: **Lots and lots of different sorts of alcohol. Wine, ale, whiskey, brandy, rum, absinthe, gin –

_Kyouraku-taichou!_

- the sort you make from juniper berries, Rangiku-chan, don't look at me like that. Vodka, absinthe, rum,

_that__'__s__ twice __you__'__ve __said __rum_

I like rum. Port, sherry, Madeira, cocktails, lots and lots of cocktails – Rangiku-chan, do you think we could talk Nanao-chan into learning how to mix us cocktails?

_Maybe,__ as __long __as __we __don__'__t __call __them__ things __like __**Sex **__**on **__**the **__**Beach **__or __**Screaming**__** Orgasm**__._

Perhaps we could rename them.

_Yeah, __we __could __call __them__** Office **__**Efficiency **__and __**Clear-Headed**__** Triumph **__**of **__**Intellect**__. __That__'__ll __really __fool __her._

Give me your wisdom, Rangiku-chan! Give me your inspiration! Give me your –

_Hands__ off. __Kyouraku-taichou._

Fine. Be like that. What's the next stage?

_Opportunity,__ I __think._

Isn't that what you get in criminal cases along with motive? All right.

**Opportunity:** Subtly find excuses to persuade my Nanao-chan to sample these drinks.

_You__ could __always __do __more __of __the __reports __so __she __isn__'__t __working __so __late__ –_

Wash your mouth out with soap and water. Also, Miss Pot Calling The Kettle Black, my Nanao-chan enjoys it. Why, we'd be more likely to . . . now there's an idea.

_What?_

We shall have a Hard Office Workers Party where we will all fill in reports and consume alcohol. My beautiful Nanao-chan will be so delighted by our efficiency and her own hard work that she will drink lots and lots.

_Wait __a __minute, __did __you __say __we?_

We'll invite Toushirou-kun as well.

_Yeahhhhhh__.__.__. __Kyouraku-taichou, __I__ think __this __could __be __an __absolutely __brilliant __idea, __but __I__ would __just __like __to __put __it __on__ record__ that __I__ think__ it __could__ possibly__ go __just__ a__ tiny__ bit __horribly __wrong._

Don't worry, I'll invite Jyuushirou as well. He'll keep Toushirou-kun out of the way if anything at all should go wrong, and in the meantime, just think how pleased Toushirou-kun will be to see you doing reports!

_Well, __yeah, __it __would __get __him__ off __my __back __a __bit. __True._

And if he brings anyone else –

_Can __I __bring __Gin?_

. . . this is supposed to be a private alcohol tasting session, Rangiku-chan. Besides, I've just invented a cocktail for my Nanao-chan which I'm calling **Office**** Efficiency**. Vodka – Vanilla stoli, I think – a shot of chilled espresso, and some seltzer.

_.__.__.__ but __you__'__re __already __inviting__ Hitsugaya-taichou __and __Ukitake-taichou, __so __can__'__t __I __bring __some__ friends__ too?__ And __I __think __that __sounds__ a __really __good __cocktail._

You do?

_Make __me __one __as __well._

Absolutely. Now let me see . . .

**Opportunity**** (Updated):** Hard Office Workers Party – no, make that Hard Working Office Party – to be held in Eighth Division, where everyone will do their reports and have some alcohol to help them do their reports. Do you really think Gin will do his reports?

_He __likes __writing __reports!__ He __writes __really __witty __satirical __reports._

Hm. Perhaps I should read them.

_And__ he __might __bring __Kira-kun__ along __as __well, __but __Kira-kun__'__s__ really __good __company.__ And __did __you __say __I__ could__ invite __someone __else?_

Actually, I think you were asking me if you could invite someone else. Hm. I think I have a suitable recipe for the **Clear-Headed**** Triumph ****of ****the ****Intellect**.

_You__ do?_

I'm seeing equal parts of that caffeinated Red Bull stuff with absinthe and spiced rum. Set on fire, of course.

_Of __course!_

Right. Actually, let's invite Isane-chan as well, just in case anyone has burns.

_What __about __Unohana-taichou?_

Retsu-chan wouldn't have the right party spirit . . . that is, the right report-writing spirit. Isane-chan is much more . . .

_Bullyable?_

Rangiku-chan! I would never bully a woman.

_No,__ but __you __do __have __a __point. __Kotetsu __Isane __won__'__t __be __a__ party __pooper.__ Fine, __count __her __in. __And __can __I __invite __Hisagi __too?__ And __maybe __Renji __so __he__ won__'__t __be __lonely?_

Only if you make it clear that this is strictly a report-writing session.

_Of __course!_

Because that's what it is.

_Definitely._

And I want to be able to look my Nanao-chan in the eye and tell her, hand on heart, that we really are going to get some reports written.

_Kyouraku-taichou, __with __this __sort __of __company __and __this __sort __of __enthusiasm,__ there __is __no __way __that __we __are__ not __going __to __get __reports __written._

Right. Now, let me see:

**You**** are ****invited**** to**** a ****report-writing ****session ****at ****Eighth ****Division. ****Bring**** along ****your ****unfinished**** reports, ****your ****incomplete**** forms, ****and**** your ****unwritten ****executive ****summaries!**** Together**** we**** shall ****make**** a**** concerted**** attempt**** to**** bring**** all**** our ****paperwork**** up**** to**** date! ****(Drinks**** to**** be**** supplied**** by**** Eighth**** Division.)**

_Excellent!_

Not too bad, I think.

_I__ just __remembered.__ Isn__'__t__ there __supposed__ to __be __a __risk __assessment __thing __too?_

Risk assessment? I don't mean to sound clichéd, Rangiku-chan, but I can't offhand think of anything that could possibly go wrong.

* * *

**THIS ****PROJECT ****PLAN, ****TOGETHER ****WITH ****ALL ****ASSOCIATED**** DOCUMENTATION, ****PHOTOGRAPHS, ****PHOTOCOPIES, ****KIDOU-TRANSMITTED ****MESSAGES, ****IPHONE**** PICTURES, ****COMPUTER ****FILES, ****AND**** WITNESS ****STATEMENTS, ****IS ****FORMALLY ****SEALED**** BY**** ORDER**** OF**** THE**** CHAMBER**** OF ****FORTY-SIX.**

**ALL FUTURE**** PRODUCTION**** OF**** THE**** DRINKS**** TITLED**** '****OFFICE**** EFFICIENCY****' ****AND**** '****CLEAR-HEADED**** TRIUMPH**** OF**** THE**** INTELLECT****' ****IS**** NOW ****FORBIDDEN**** BY**** FORMAL**** DECREE**** OF ****YAMAMOTO-SOUTAICHOU.**

* * *

Our crucial mistake, Rangiku-chan, was in not inviting Yama-jii along.

_I __still __don__'__t __believe__ Aizen-taichou __could __do __a__ table__ dance__ like __that._

That man is a secret wrapped inside an enigma and wearing a pair of glasses.

_Is __it __true __that __Nanao __liked __the __absinthe?_

A gentleman never kisses and tells, Rangiku-chan.

_Even __when __she__'__s __got __him __chained__ to __his __office __desk?_

Especially then. How's Toushirou-kun doing?

_He__'__s __stopped__ threatening __to __kill __you._

Such a nice boy.

_He__'__s __still __threatening __to __kill __me, __though._

I'll send Jyuushirou to stalk him with candy. That should distract him. In the meantime, Rangiku-chan, would you care to draw up a new project plan?

_Kyouraku-taichou, __I __thought__ you__'__d __never __ask._


End file.
